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The culture of secrecy is based on my perspective of growing up as a person of color. Even in a mixed family, we were raised in Black Culture.. Shit, I used to think my mom was a Black Panther back in the day, she was so into African culture to the extreme.
Anywho, upon my learning of Energy Work & Spiritual Healing I realized, along with our oppression, passed down from generations (mentally & emotionally), we are taught to be so strong, to go out & get what you want before others (of another race) do.. We also are quiet about our pain, we are so used to pain, our grandparents were used to pain, struggle, single motherhood & more pain. Can we be tired, frustrated, nah not really.. All your issues become a secret, even in your house, they become, you gotta keep moving, no giving up…
Now sometimes this makes for motivation, but often it makes for more pain, for total obliviousness to others pain & frustration, this makes a false sense of strength which is more like torture, powerlessness & pressure. There was a time where mental health was laughed at, I could not even tell anyone in my family I sought out a therapist…
I always had a divine whisper that this shit was not normal, that pain was not normal, that just because things in life hurt does not mean I should carry shame or build such a bullet over my heart & soul just to survive.. How do you think that turns out when I have a sibling, when I date, when I have kids or friends?
It turns out rough! Negative emotion totally unnoticed, overlooked, just keep fucking going, you are never hurt you keep it all in…
I knew I could not live like that, & boy! was it hard to tell people I knew, many thought I was a fucking lunatic, or becoming soft, pussy like, sensitive, or they became even harsher with me.
This hurt even more but I could not even tell people for years: You hurt my feelings”- What the fuck were feelings?
Bad tv shows, sad love songs, painful struggles from anyone you had to meet or who lived in the hood with you.
I decided that day around 26 years old with 26 years of extreme pain, I was no longer being quiet about my pain, my struggles, my powerlessness, my shame.. I decided my emotions, my feelings were never to sensitive, if anything fuck it, be even more sensitive to how the fuck you feel..
Kodak’s Happiness Journey